It’s been a few days since I last gave myself a breather. My head is still in a spin on the changes but I’m adjusting to it for the most part. I’m still around so that makes me feel a little better about everything but I still have my moments of why though? I couldn’t sleep which is why this post is coming so early rather than later in the day and I felt this was the best course of action in accordance to how I’m currently feeling. I tried to shut my eyes, look at videos on YouTube and even thought about music but none of that is working for me so coming to my blog and letting out my inner thoughts is probably the best move right now. I can’t go an hour without really thinking about the past week and it’s heavy with pain. If I can turn back the time I would. I talked to this person and we ate working through our issues but the separation part is new because we’ve never been apart for the past 9 years. It’s all so new and I don’t really like it. I’m happy that we are working on it so far but it’d be better if this has passed on and we were happier. I still talk to her everyday so that’s at least something right? I’m hoping the time from here on out is better because blogging at 3:00am due to no sleep will burn me out and that’s not something I want to happen. I’ll try and sleep but I make no promises.
It’s day 3 of this feeling but it’s not getting better, I’m trying to keep it together but it’s hard to keep my emotions inside so I’d rather let them do what they want. I’m already thinking I still wanna disappear but I’m leaning more towards not going that far. I might spend the rest of the day laying down in bed because I’m not up to doing anything but being depressed. Trying to get over my depression but all I can feel is how I wanna just forget any and everything and just evaporate away. I’ll keep a clear mind but I make no promises on if I’ll be ok later on if at all. Just trying to write this I have tears in my eyes and I can barely keep myself from shaking all over. Should I just end myself now and forget it all that way I’ll be happy or should I continue on? I need answers or at least a sign and I need something soon.
You ever have those times where you feel like you wanna just leave it all behind? For the past two days I’ve been having these feelings because of a recent situation and I’m sure this time I’m gonna leave off on my own accord with my sister and another. I don’t know how I’m gonna do it at this point but I’m definitely making the change because all I’m feeling is emotions and anxiety. I’m thinking of leaving from this city and just finding my way back to being happy because how I’m feeling at this rate I’ll go insane. I wanna forget everything and move on from the darkness, I wanna be numb to any pain. I’d say what happened but I can’t find the right words on how to put it into perspective and still come off as letting it go so we can move forward with our lives. I cry at night because it’s the only peace I have to myself without anyone seeing my vulnerability. I don’t give a shit about what others may think of me but I also wanna make the best decision for me and my sister. It’s 4:00am as I type this because I have a tough time sleeping now that I’m in this state of depression. I want my life to get better and I’m gonna make it happen by doing what I can with my own wits. I won’t let anyone bring me down or try to make me decide what they want because at the end of the day it’s my choice.
Tuesday my little sister Briana had her 21st birthday and I made sure it was a good one. We took her out to dinner and drinks so that she could enjoy it and she had an absolute blast. I was a little skeptical of taking her out because her health isn’t the best and I didn’t want something to happen and I’m completely useless on how to help her. She was a little worried herself because she doesn’t leave much from the Rehabilitation Center and when she does it isn’t this far out there away from medical attention but all in all aside from that it was a great time with her. I had to take both her wheelchair and her walker so that I was sure she’d be ok and it’s take some of my anxiety away as well as hers. Seeing the smile on her face and her enjoying the food, drinks and company was definitely a highlight for me given the past few years have been nothing but a bummer. My sister definitely deserved this day out and I am definitely happy that I was able to deliver such an amazing moment for her special day. I wish more people could’ve joined in but I also understand how busy others are during this period so just the few there were very much appreciated. I hope that the next time I take her out for any activity she will be much better this time around.
I have finally returned after a busy holiday with family and friends, let me just say that I apologize for taking so long to post because I feel like I have left my readers hanging. This year I will try to make better because I’ve been given some really great opportunities and I tend to make the most of them. I will be as consistent as I possibly can with my blog now that I’m not as stressed out, I have been feeling a little bit better in terms of my mental health but those bad emotions and negative thoughts are still there with me as I type right now. I wanna make sure that I press forward in my huge opportunity I was given this year and I want it to be absolutely perfect. In case you are wondering what it is, it’s me writing a book on both mental health and my life. I look forward to the final product and I want everyone who reads it to get a better understanding of what I am discussing. My excitement for this is through the roof but I’m also a little nervous because it’s my first time doing this. If this book turns out really well I would definitely be interested in doing another one, hell even if I fail or meet low expectations I’d be willing to give it another shot to redeem myself. I never really seen myself as a writer and I never gave it a thought to writing. These turn of events on how my life has turned out have been crazy but also some of it has turned out amazing. I’m making 2019 a better year for me and will send positive vibes around for everyone around me also, so here’s to a great start.