The Laid Back Schizophrenic

I had a really relaxing day, I let myself just fall back and go with the flow. I figured it would be a good idea to just release all my tension and become at ease with myself. I was kind of surprised to see I didn’t have not one bit of anxiety today and it was such a good feeling. I don’t remember the last time I literally felt not one thing of anxiety, depression or even the voices. Maybe this was the break I’ve been so desperately trying to have, maybe things are going to finally start being a little more positive in my favor since I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for awhile now. I won’t get greedy and try to force more of these days but I will remember this moment until the next time I have one again. I felt like everything was new and nothing was going to sway my positive position. I’ll admit it was rather surprising to have these feelings the very next day I’ve been wanting to forget about everything. I’m going to try and finish my book and have this day as a reminder that even with all my faults I’m still able to function if even a little bit to finish my goal. I’ll be going out tomorrow morning so from there I’ll see what awaits me and I’ll be sure to face it head on. I still get scared at the next day each and every time but that’s all apart of me being human and not closing myself in from being human.

I sometimes think I should let my emotions handle my well being. It’s just one of those random thoughts I have from time to time. It’s not too bad but my anxiety is often high when I do push myself too far. I’m working on learning how to keep myself steady and not feeling like I should break down. It’s been a rough few years and I need a constant reminder that sometimes disasters are ok. Multiple tragedies can sometimes be a sort of stepping stone for great things or at least that’s what I believe usually. There are times where I wanna go back and change what bad things have happened either to me of what I’ve witnessed but I’ve learned that I don’t need to beat myself up about it. It’s ok to be sad or angry at the hand you were dealt. I think I would’ve felt a hell of a lot better if I thought this way as a kid. My mind is sort of like a paradox filled with what if’s? and why’s that? It’s like I can’t stop thinking about the future and I mean that as in maybe someday I’ll completely go mental and not come back to reality. It’s crossed my mind to keep myself closed in and have a caretaker because I’m afraid of myself. One day I’m feeling fine but the next I feel like I’m a hazard to those around me. The joys of mental health are always finding ways to make me doubt my existence. I’m really in a tight spot in my head and I just want what’s best for myself no matter what the decision is. Maybe someday I’ll finally be able to relax my mind and not give a shit so much.

I think the pressure of my book is settling in, I’ve been extremely excited about it but now that I’m approaching the end of it I’ve been having these feelings or rather second thoughts about it. I constantly think what if it’s not good enough to be considered a book? What if I’m not good enough to be an author? I know I should be a little more positive about it but the way my mind works it’s not that easy. I do hope that whatever happens with this publishing comes out to be positive and that it helps anyone that reads it who may be going through a rough time be it Mental Health or physical health helps them out and gives more insight. I want this to be an everlasting experience and I want it to be an educational ride for those who need ant extra info on how they can help and or survive. I’m confident in the amazing group of people who’s given me this opportunity to write but it’s myself that I doubt. I don’t believe I have the ability to be great at this especially since I never seen myself becoming a writer. This will be a great experience to remember whether it’s good or bad because I’ll learn from it and it’ll help me become even better in the future. I like the path I’ve chosen and I’ll be looking forward to writing more books. I just hope that these feelings now will change into a better mood sooner than later.

I barely slept last night and my body is still in so much pain. I tried to relax but I just couldn’t bring myself to fall into serene bliss. I’m feeling really terrible in my head right now and so far I don’t know what to do. I mean I have a couple ideas on how to get myself going but for the most part it’s honestly not enough. I need someone to tell me it’s ok to have an off day or that it’ll be fine as long as I relax. My anxiety is being rough with me right now and I need it to calm down. The voices aren’t happening so that’s a good sign. Physically my body is hurting from all the working out and I was hoping to feel better after some sleep but since I couldn’t really get any that’s not the case. It’s hard for me to type this without stopping because my brain is saying chill out and my body is throbbing from pushing myself to do better for my health. I think I’ll spend the day laying in bed or try to find some way of keeping my mind and body in check. I can barely move my arms without hurting and I can barely think without my Schizophrenia interfering. I know this post seems like more of a complaint but it’s still something that’s extremely bothersome for me. If I’m not comfortable then I’m not at my best and physically uncomfortable due to exercise is fine and expected but mentally I can’t stand it. I’m going to distract myself from it all and see what happens from there.

I’ve been getting a lot better on my health habits. I kinda feel like I’ve been feeling somewhat better about the way I feel in regards to my body. The exercise and all the healthier eating really makes a difference in how I can operate physically. Mentally I still feel drained of everything and I can tell It’s not going to change for a bit. I still do what I can to keep myself distracted but I always get this feeling in my stomach that it’s not enough. It’s not easy trying to juggle my physical health on top of my mental health. I’m trying my best but I kind of want a break from everything just for a day or two. I’m doing the best I can to hold it together mentally for the sake of other responsibilities but at some point I need some time off. Maybe the gym will eventually do more to distract me. I’m hoping it’s possible at least. When I’m not struggling in my head I’m keeping it together outside with my body. It’s hard juggling both but I’m working on it and hopefully I find a solution soon. I may speak to someone about my recent feelings and see what I can do to balance myself out. I want it to work out for the best so I’ll keep positive and maybe things will look brighter in my future.

This isn’t an easy topic to discuss but yes as the title suggest this will be about substance abuse. This isn’t me struggling with it but rather there was a time where my mother used. I didn’t know exactly what it was back then because I was extremely young. But seeing that happen for a short period of time was tough on me and my siblings. I was confused at how one could fall into such bad habits and how can we fix it. I didn’t wanna say anything to anyone at the time about it until I knew exactly how to approach the situation. By the time I decided to say anything my older brother already knew what the situation was and he tried his best to make us ignore it. It worked for my younger siblings but I knew better about all of it. I guess I was too scared to say anything to him because the others were still normal about everything but in my gut I wanted to scream. She almost overdosed one time and we called an ambulance to assess the situation. At that point we had to say something to my siblings about the problem so after she was taken to the hospital we let out everything. We told our grandmother about what’s been going on and that wasn’t a good topic at all. I look back at that time and wonder if I could’ve done something to change it? I guess I was possibly too distracted to realize it.

I wanna give you all a proper description of what I mean when I say that I am The Laid Back Schizophrenic. It’s how I’ve come to accept who I am and how I handle myself in society with my diagnosis. I won’t lie and say that I’m 100% happy with the cards I’ve been dealt but everything happens for a reason right? I tend to keep everything low key when it comes to myself. I’m not one to draw attention to myself and honestly that’s due to partially being afraid of getting made fun of. I said that I’ve come to terms with who I am but there are moments where I do slip up and forget any of that matters. I’m someone who takes things a step at a time and I’ve found that for me it’s always easier on myself when I’m moving at a steady pace. Normally people would get the impression that being laid back would mean somewhat lazy but I’ve taken that term and made it into how I live with mental health. If I’m not being laid back then I’m going to be unhinged and that’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. My experiences with growing up mentally ill have become a stepping stone to surviving with the belief that no matter what happens I am still a good person and I am normal just like anyone else. Being Schizophrenic isn’t a curse, it’s a unique way of setting oneself apart from the rest of the mold and sometimes it works out other times it doesn’t but mental health has it’s ups and downs. I know that may be a weird way of looking at it but that’s how I set myself apart from fear of giving in and I constantly have to tell myself that I’m not different in a bad way, I’m different because my brain refuses to let me follow others. There’s gonna be more times I’ll wanna just non-existent but I’m always gonna prepare for it and if I’m still as strong as I am now I’ll still wake up the next day and smile.

I remember having these random silhouettes appearing around me. I often thought that they were something that I seen from stress and they would eventually go away. I used to be so scared at the fact I was seeing them and I thought they were possibly ghosts. My first time seeing them was when I was home alone and it was quite the experience. At first I didn’t exactly know what I should do but I hid myself from it all and waited until someone came home. I didn’t know how I would explain my situation to my mother and to completely honest I didn’t wanna say anything at all. I think I maybe decided not to say anything at first due to not seeming like I’m entirely crazy but I felt security in that decision for 5 mins until I realized that I should say something to anyone at all. I gave my mother the details on what transpired and she said I should definitely let my therapist know about it which is exactly what I did. Letting out my fear of these hallucinations almost stopped me from leaving the house completely and as time went on I let it control me mentally. For at least a week and a half I didn’t leave the house unless it was completely day time outside and even then it wasn’t good enough. I had just enough strength to let it go if even for a little while I helped my mom grocery shop. It wasn’t an easy task because they were there as if I was being watched and I sometimes even heard them speak. I was told things like to hurt myself or kill someone. It was hard trying to block them out and I almost let them get to me a few times but I managed to hold it together. I wouldn’t wanna experience those times again and I don’t want anyone else who goes through the same thing to struggle anymore.

It’s been a little while since my last post but I have a good reason. I’ve been busy taking some personal time to reflect on the things I wanna accomplish this year. I recently joined a gym to get in shape and my health better because I wanna be at the top of my game so that when my sister is released I’ll be able to take care of her more efficiently. I’m excited about my recent changes due to the fact of it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for awhile but has been procrastinating on. I start this Monday and I’ll be sticking to it for sure, I’m gonna make sure I don’t quit because then I’ll be throwing away my money and time. This’ll also be good for my mental health as it will be a nice distraction from the bad vibes. I think it’ll be good for me, I can relieve some energy and at the same time feel better about myself. I’m excited to get this going and I’ll definitely be updating my results as I continue. Aside from that I’ve been taking time to keep myself from going off the deep end and so far nothing has ruined it. I ran some errands today and not once have I had voices try and ruin me. I want this to continue and I’ll be looking forward to more on my journey to a better person.

It’s been a few days since I last gave myself a breather. My head is still in a spin on the changes but I’m adjusting to it for the most part. I’m still around so that makes me feel a little better about everything but I still have my moments of why though? I couldn’t sleep which is why this post is coming so early rather than later in the day and I felt this was the best course of action in accordance to how I’m currently feeling. I tried to shut my eyes, look at videos on YouTube and even thought about music but none of that is working for me so coming to my blog and letting out my inner thoughts is probably the best move right now. I can’t go an hour without really thinking about the past week and it’s heavy with pain. If I can turn back the time I would. I talked to this person and we ate working through our issues but the separation part is new because we’ve never been apart for the past 9 years. It’s all so new and I don’t really like it. I’m happy that we are working on it so far but it’d be better if this has passed on and we were happier. I still talk to her everyday so that’s at least something right? I’m hoping the time from here on out is better because blogging at 3:00am due to no sleep will burn me out and that’s not something I want to happen. I’ll try and sleep but I make no promises.