The Laid Back Schizophrenic

I’m not having the best time right now, I feel hollow and emotionlessly at my limit and the confusing part is I don’t care to breathe anymore. I got this feeling in my stomach that I gave all I have and it wasn’t enough to be important at least. Maybe I’m better off non-existent. Sometimes I wish that I could forget why I still decide to be here and go away. At this point death is a better option than dealing with this. I know I shouldn’t be talking like this but if not another soul cares then I believe it’s ok if I don’t either. This isn’t going to go away so simple unless a miracle happens. Deep down I’m avoiding sleep because I don’t think I will wake up and I am leaning towards allowing that. It’s scary but I ask myself “Does it really matter?” Too bad this isn’t a dream then I’d feel somewhat better but it is what it is I guess. I only struggle with staying because I have a responsibility to take care of in regards to a family member but If something happens I may take that outing. Too many good things happen and are taken away from me without the slightest care as if I’m just something to be used as a back up and it’s enough to make a person lifeless on the inside. I sincerely hope something changes if even a small bit because at this point in time I could really care less about myself or another.

I am starting to think that I’m not entirely fixable. It’s becoming more and more apparent as the days go by. I try to remember that I am still a sane person but even then it gets to be a little too much for me to handle. I talked with some friends who can enlighten me on some things because they understand what I go through since they have the same problems at times. Now at this moment I have a huge headache and that is due to me over thinking a million different things in my head. If you could take a look at my rather unorthodox brain you’d see what I mean and why I say I am a mixed bag. I take things I to consideration before I act but I sometimes end up going overboard and it bothers me somehow that I even act this way. I believe this is one of the reasons it took me so long to type another post aside from my sister and her being sick. I don’t wanna make excuses but even I have yo recharge my batteries sometimes. Most recently I had thoughts of self harm and today it was harder on me with those same thoughts because it’s the day my mother passed 3 years ago. I hate this day do much and with my current state I can’t help but wish I was gone with her. I talked with my siblings and they aren’t in the best of moods. I probably should have told them about how I am dealing with it but deep down I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have anyone worried about it. I feel like that is really selfish.

I’ve been doing pretty well for myself as of late with my issues. I won’t say that it has been 100% accurate on my part but I made progress. I was reflecting on myself and it’s kinda paying off. Another bright note is that my sister will be getting discharged soon from the rehabilitation center. She’ll still be in a wheelchair but she’s a lot more lively and she is smiling like she used too. I’m glad that things are turning around for the better because it’s a lot of stress off of us. I was taking in this nice weather and just felt relaxed. I went for plenty of walks and had clear thoughts the most of the way. I was able to keep myself busy with the bad thoughts I usually have and for the first few times I felt happy. I want my sister to laugh at this situation one day and know that she didn’t give up. I’ve been talking to her recently about her plans after she gets out and from what I know she wants to finally do college. She’ll have to do some online classes for a bit until she’s fully recovered but overall she says she is perfectly fine with that. We have a meeting for her discharge from there in a few weeks so we’ll see how it goes. Hopefully it will be good news for everyone. Looking forward to seeing how life will be with me being her caretaker.

I’m finally posting again after a break. I was a little overwhelmed with all that I have going on so I decided to take a breath of fresh air and not blog for a bit. I did manage to get my book finished with it’s final chapters and I’m just waiting for the last bit of edits to come through. I do wanna apologize to anyone who’s been waiting for a post but I needed this time off so that I wouldn’t break down. I’m relaxed and ready to get back to my blogging. I took these days to remember that I’m still human and sometimes it’s ok to relax if need be. Now that I’ve gotten my mental state back on track for now I can finally get back to my blogging. I wanna have more to say on this post but nothing worth saying has really happened aside from resting and catching up on my other responsibilities. I will have to make sure I’m not going to overwhelm myself with duties again. I was scared for myself and this time it was a lesson learned. I don’t think I’ve ever taken this much time off from anything before but it felt like it’s been forever. I know it’s been a month but I need my psych together whenever I’m writing or blogging otherwise it affects how I operate on a daily basis. I hope this relaxed atmosphere continues.

I had a really relaxing day, I let myself just fall back and go with the flow. I figured it would be a good idea to just release all my tension and become at ease with myself. I was kind of surprised to see I didn’t have not one bit of anxiety today and it was such a good feeling. I don’t remember the last time I literally felt not one thing of anxiety, depression or even the voices. Maybe this was the break I’ve been so desperately trying to have, maybe things are going to finally start being a little more positive in my favor since I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for awhile now. I won’t get greedy and try to force more of these days but I will remember this moment until the next time I have one again. I felt like everything was new and nothing was going to sway my positive position. I’ll admit it was rather surprising to have these feelings the very next day I’ve been wanting to forget about everything. I’m going to try and finish my book and have this day as a reminder that even with all my faults I’m still able to function if even a little bit to finish my goal. I’ll be going out tomorrow morning so from there I’ll see what awaits me and I’ll be sure to face it head on. I still get scared at the next day each and every time but that’s all apart of me being human and not closing myself in from being human.

I sometimes think I should let my emotions handle my well being. It’s just one of those random thoughts I have from time to time. It’s not too bad but my anxiety is often high when I do push myself too far. I’m working on learning how to keep myself steady and not feeling like I should break down. It’s been a rough few years and I need a constant reminder that sometimes disasters are ok. Multiple tragedies can sometimes be a sort of stepping stone for great things or at least that’s what I believe usually. There are times where I wanna go back and change what bad things have happened either to me of what I’ve witnessed but I’ve learned that I don’t need to beat myself up about it. It’s ok to be sad or angry at the hand you were dealt. I think I would’ve felt a hell of a lot better if I thought this way as a kid. My mind is sort of like a paradox filled with what if’s? and why’s that? It’s like I can’t stop thinking about the future and I mean that as in maybe someday I’ll completely go mental and not come back to reality. It’s crossed my mind to keep myself closed in and have a caretaker because I’m afraid of myself. One day I’m feeling fine but the next I feel like I’m a hazard to those around me. The joys of mental health are always finding ways to make me doubt my existence. I’m really in a tight spot in my head and I just want what’s best for myself no matter what the decision is. Maybe someday I’ll finally be able to relax my mind and not give a shit so much.

I think the pressure of my book is settling in, I’ve been extremely excited about it but now that I’m approaching the end of it I’ve been having these feelings or rather second thoughts about it. I constantly think what if it’s not good enough to be considered a book? What if I’m not good enough to be an author? I know I should be a little more positive about it but the way my mind works it’s not that easy. I do hope that whatever happens with this publishing comes out to be positive and that it helps anyone that reads it who may be going through a rough time be it Mental Health or physical health helps them out and gives more insight. I want this to be an everlasting experience and I want it to be an educational ride for those who need ant extra info on how they can help and or survive. I’m confident in the amazing group of people who’s given me this opportunity to write but it’s myself that I doubt. I don’t believe I have the ability to be great at this especially since I never seen myself becoming a writer. This will be a great experience to remember whether it’s good or bad because I’ll learn from it and it’ll help me become even better in the future. I like the path I’ve chosen and I’ll be looking forward to writing more books. I just hope that these feelings now will change into a better mood sooner than later.

I barely slept last night and my body is still in so much pain. I tried to relax but I just couldn’t bring myself to fall into serene bliss. I’m feeling really terrible in my head right now and so far I don’t know what to do. I mean I have a couple ideas on how to get myself going but for the most part it’s honestly not enough. I need someone to tell me it’s ok to have an off day or that it’ll be fine as long as I relax. My anxiety is being rough with me right now and I need it to calm down. The voices aren’t happening so that’s a good sign. Physically my body is hurting from all the working out and I was hoping to feel better after some sleep but since I couldn’t really get any that’s not the case. It’s hard for me to type this without stopping because my brain is saying chill out and my body is throbbing from pushing myself to do better for my health. I think I’ll spend the day laying in bed or try to find some way of keeping my mind and body in check. I can barely move my arms without hurting and I can barely think without my Schizophrenia interfering. I know this post seems like more of a complaint but it’s still something that’s extremely bothersome for me. If I’m not comfortable then I’m not at my best and physically uncomfortable due to exercise is fine and expected but mentally I can’t stand it. I’m going to distract myself from it all and see what happens from there.

I’ve been getting a lot better on my health habits. I kinda feel like I’ve been feeling somewhat better about the way I feel in regards to my body. The exercise and all the healthier eating really makes a difference in how I can operate physically. Mentally I still feel drained of everything and I can tell It’s not going to change for a bit. I still do what I can to keep myself distracted but I always get this feeling in my stomach that it’s not enough. It’s not easy trying to juggle my physical health on top of my mental health. I’m trying my best but I kind of want a break from everything just for a day or two. I’m doing the best I can to hold it together mentally for the sake of other responsibilities but at some point I need some time off. Maybe the gym will eventually do more to distract me. I’m hoping it’s possible at least. When I’m not struggling in my head I’m keeping it together outside with my body. It’s hard juggling both but I’m working on it and hopefully I find a solution soon. I may speak to someone about my recent feelings and see what I can do to balance myself out. I want it to work out for the best so I’ll keep positive and maybe things will look brighter in my future.

This isn’t an easy topic to discuss but yes as the title suggest this will be about substance abuse. This isn’t me struggling with it but rather there was a time where my mother used. I didn’t know exactly what it was back then because I was extremely young. But seeing that happen for a short period of time was tough on me and my siblings. I was confused at how one could fall into such bad habits and how can we fix it. I didn’t wanna say anything to anyone at the time about it until I knew exactly how to approach the situation. By the time I decided to say anything my older brother already knew what the situation was and he tried his best to make us ignore it. It worked for my younger siblings but I knew better about all of it. I guess I was too scared to say anything to him because the others were still normal about everything but in my gut I wanted to scream. She almost overdosed one time and we called an ambulance to assess the situation. At that point we had to say something to my siblings about the problem so after she was taken to the hospital we let out everything. We told our grandmother about what’s been going on and that wasn’t a good topic at all. I look back at that time and wonder if I could’ve done something to change it? I guess I was possibly too distracted to realize it.