I am starting to think that I’m not entirely fixable. It’s becoming more and more apparent as the days go by. I try to remember that I am still a sane person but even then it gets to be a little too much for me to handle. I talked with some friends who can enlighten me on some things because they understand what I go through since they have the same problems at times. Now at this moment I have a huge headache and that is due to me over thinking a million different things in my head. If you could take a look at my rather unorthodox brain you’d see what I mean and why I say I am a mixed bag. I take things I to consideration before I act but I sometimes end up going overboard and it bothers me somehow that I even act this way. I believe this is one of the reasons it took me so long to type another post aside from my sister and her being sick. I don’t wanna make excuses but even I have yo recharge my batteries sometimes. Most recently I had thoughts of self harm and today it was harder on me with those same thoughts because it’s the day my mother passed 3 years ago. I hate this day do much and with my current state I can’t help but wish I was gone with her. I talked with my siblings and they aren’t in the best of moods. I probably should have told them about how I am dealing with it but deep down I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have anyone worried about it. I feel like that is really selfish.
I’ve been doing pretty well for myself as of late with my issues. I won’t say that it has been 100% accurate on my part but I made progress. I was reflecting on myself and it’s kinda paying off. Another bright note is that my sister will be getting discharged soon from the rehabilitation center. She’ll still be in a wheelchair but she’s a lot more lively and she is smiling like she used too. I’m glad that things are turning around for the better because it’s a lot of stress off of us. I was taking in this nice weather and just felt relaxed. I went for plenty of walks and had clear thoughts the most of the way. I was able to keep myself busy with the bad thoughts I usually have and for the first few times I felt happy. I want my sister to laugh at this situation one day and know that she didn’t give up. I’ve been talking to her recently about her plans after she gets out and from what I know she wants to finally do college. She’ll have to do some online classes for a bit until she’s fully recovered but overall she says she is perfectly fine with that. We have a meeting for her discharge from there in a few weeks so we’ll see how it goes. Hopefully it will be good news for everyone. Looking forward to seeing how life will be with me being her caretaker.