So I have a secret, I haven’t told my family of this blog yet. I might be a little afraid of the critical response if there will be any. They know nothing of my hardships with my Schizophrenia so I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the possible outcomes to my telling them. I’ll most likely tell my siblings first, they know of my mental health but not the past things I’ve been through. I wonder what the reaction will be to my past attempt at suicide? I do know that my younger brother at most will probably have a few words but it’s to be expected. Maybe it’s time I let go of the pressure and just be myself, maybe I should let my mind wander into whatever place is necessary. These are the things I think about on a daily basis, this feeling of acceptance is killing me. Should I worry about what others may think of me, or should I just keep to myself? I’d like a sign or something to ease my thoughts. Today is a good day, the weather is nice and I have no anxiety. Maybe I’ll start making some calls to lift a burden of my shoulders.
Anxiety is a bitch!
I remember one day as a kid waking up in the morning to some stressful feelings. I don’t know why it happened and I’m not sure how, but I do know it was a scary feeling. I had told my mother what was going on and she sat with me until I calmed down, the feeling of not being able to breathe even though I’m not struggling. I believed at the time my mental health was a bit much for me to handle all at once, I was on point taking my medication during this time so there wasn’t any issues there. I used to be afraid to leave the house at times because of my fear of what I might do. My next therapy session was awkward because I wanted to leave so bad due to the voices telling me all sorts of things from self harm to hurting someone else. After my session was over I felt relieved, so much anxiety rushed to my head that I almost felt lightheaded. We rushed home so that I could lay down and feel a sense of comfort, that day was an intense one for me. I almost wish I could go back and see if things would be different but as I am older I know better than to think otherwise.
More relaxed today
Hey all, sorry for the late post but today I slept in way to late due to finally being able to rest easy. It was so gloomy here today but not the kind that’s all depressing and dark, but the kind that is relaxing. I had the window open and had all the cool air come blowing in from the rain that’s been going on all day long. The scent of the air and the sound of the rain hitting the window was satisfying to say the least. I felt like the noise was keeping me in bed because I’m usually interested in being soothed. This was a rather unorthodox post and most likely not very interesting, but I wanna share all my moments and not just the one that seem depressing or like I’m ready to give up on myself. Stick around and you’ll see there is more to me than just sudden sadness and mental health.
More anxiety today
Hello world, today I’m taking a break from my story to let you all know that I’m feeling a tad bit stressed out. I have a lot on my plate and I feel that it’s getting to me. I’m gonna try and keep myself busy and hopefully it calms down. I had a rough night trying to sleep, I tossed and turned most likely from over thinking about my responsibilities. I’ll go for a walk on this trail I know of and get a breath of fresh air. It’s not easy to keep my head on straight when I’m feeling this way so any distraction is a good thing. Hopefully I can have someone to talk to and help me feel better do I don’t sway off course. I know this was a short blog and probably something you all didn’t care to read, but it’s just one of those days where you feel empty. I’ll be back to myself soon enough.
I vomited everything I took to kill myself and when I failed at my suicide attempt something clicked in me to keep on living. Of course I didn’t feel well a little later but I played it off as me getting a fever or something. I was a little on edge about what transpired but it happened so there was no taking it back. I’ve never said felt so much guilt before in my life but I’ve learned to accept the matter. I regret not telling my mother what I did and it’ll most likely haunt me for the years to come. I wish I did have the chance to reveal everything but maybe it’s better she doesn’t know to avoid any emotional pain my truth may bring. Some days I feel a burden on my shoulders that I even gave in to the voices but I do know that it get’s to a point where self control becomes so difficult it hurts. That day was a past experience and sure there were more days I had the same thoughts but I’m keeping myself together now than I was back then and eventually it did get better. My life has had many turns as we do but I’m willing to bet I’ve had more bad than good in my early years.
Couldn’t hold it together much longer
During my days as a kid it became apparent that I was gonna have to get used to my Schizophrenia so I needed to seek more info on some things I could do to cope with it. I asked my therapist of some activities or distractions that could keep my mental state in check because the medication wasn’t doing enough at the time. I recall profusely sweating with hard breathing once from making another attempt to try going out without proper caution alone. That turned out to be a bust for obvious reasons and to put it bluntly, I had a panic attack out in public… A little progress was made though as I calmed myself even if it was only just this once. There was this one day I refused to go out at all because I was so afraid of this situation happening again, I pretended I was actually going to class but after 15-20 mins I came back to the house. The pressure was so intense because the voices were so much stronger than before and it took everything not to listen to them. Not a single soul knows this so this is my first time putting this out there that during that moment I contemplated suicide, so much that I took some liquid medicine and pills because I was struggling to keep a clear mind and stop myself from taking another life because the voices told me too. To my surprise the suicide failed, but was it because I was kept alive for a reason or was I unlucky in my attempt…?
Actions have consequences
When I decided to not take my medication on certain days It felt like everything would be fine because I didn’t have that numbness I felt when taking them. I’ll admit at least twice I didn’t take them just because I didn’t feel like it and was in denial about being better. During that time things were kinda bad but not overly serious, I began to overthink situations that could happen while not taking my pills and because of that my mind started to spiral. I remember having a panic attack at the situation and thus was unable to finish my classes for the day. I had my mother meet me at the center I was taking my classes at because I was scared and my anxiety was through the roof. I had teachers sit with me until she got there but I didn’t tell them what was really going on because as I said, I was fearful of letting out my secret. They did ask questions about why I was feeling this way but I just lied and said I’m not feeling well. When my mother arrived I told her what I did and although she was a little frustrated at first she understood where I was coming from. I look back on that day and think about what could’ve happened had I continued on but that’s just a small glimpse of something greater from that one single choice.
My biggest decision thus far
Hello world, when I last left off I told you that I made a decision that didn’t sit well with my mother at first. I decided that I needed to remove myself from School since I wasn’t sure that my psych can handle it and because I was worried about the safety of others. I know it seems like maybe it’s a little much but in my head it was nothing but dark thoughts. I went a few weeks outside of school to get my head together before going for my G.E.D, at the time I needed to be sure I can go and not break down or spill my utmost secrets to any of the other students. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on, not even my friends because I wasn’t comfortable in my actions to say the least but I figured that if I was to maintain a normal life and self control I’d need to eventually reveal everything. Taking my medication was difficult because I wasn’t sure it would help me at all, I thought it was a gimmick of sorts to numb me and suppress my emotions. There were a few times I secretly didn’t take them but maybe I got lucky since nothing terrible has happened while not taking them. All in all, to say there weren’t repercussions for those actions eventually would be a lie…
Down a path to living with my condition
It became tough to accept what I was going through at the time, so much to the point I didn’t tell anyone except my siblings and maybe a few family members. It was apparent I had an issue with letting out my feelings so I just kept it to myself, that and I was scared maybe I would get picked on or something. My therapy sessions didn’t get any better for awhile so you can imagine how I felt on the inside. One time I was getting asked questions about my thoughts and the pressure kicked in tremendously, I’ve never felt so inclined to harm another person before… It was tough to hold in all the voices in that period of time and there were days I felt like giving in because maybe it was easier that way. Some days I would imagine all the possibilities or rather outcomes of different reactions if I actually were brave enough to tell others. School was so so stressful because I would have anxiety from being around big crowds and all the noise, even though I had friends I still kept to myself some days to avoid an outburst or a conflict of sorts from having all these negative voices in my head telling me to do things. During my sophomore year I decided it was time to make a change in my life so I made a big decision that didn’t really stick well with my mother for a while but you’ll get the rundown of that in detail for my next post.
Dark thoughts or Inner demons???
Morning all, shall we jump back into this saga? When I left my confirmation of my condition things really took a turn, not for the worse but it felt like I getting some sort of uneasy feeling. I remember one day riding the bus and having thoughts about harming someone , I didn’t go through with it because I was strong enough to resist the urge but I think about the repercussions of said “activity” if I had done the deed. It’s been a few occasions I’ve felt this way but nothing recent. One day I was at therapy and sweating because it was so hard to sit there and admit I had moments of wanting to slit some one else’s throat and dismember the body, It sounds dark but like I said… I’m not biting my tongue. My anxiety was starting to get the best of me because being so young I thought that this would count as a confession of some sorts even though I knew better, still couldn’t help the situation and was inches to passing out. After the session ended I felt a sense of security that I was able to release this secret, to this day I still get anxious just speaking of it. This was just one day of what transpired during my younger years and you’ll be a little surprised on what’s to come.