Built up anger…

I’ll never forget April 29, 2016… It was the day that changed everything, that day my mother passed and I feel angry that I couldn’t do anything about it. She died in her sleep from a heart attack, I found out that day she was already sick but didn’t say anything about it because of her mother fighting Brain & Lung Cancer. I shouldn’t feel this way but I can’t help but feel angry that she didn’t say anything even if the reasoning was perfect. I wanna scream sometimes because I wanted to at least know that I could be of some use until her last moments. I’ll never forget me finding her cold lifeless body on her bed, not a breath or movement at all. My heart dropped tremendously and I felt as if my world was crashing down, I called everyone important to give them the news and the call that hurt me the most was my younger brother being away in college during finals to hear the tragic news which was something he didn’t need. I’m angry because I was the most important one she confided in and with this situation she said nothing at all to me, I cried so hard at losing her and at her not telling me she had heart complications. I wanna be able to go back and at least see if I can do anything else to help prior, I wanna be able to have closure and let go of this animosity and I wanna be able to rest easier at night knowing I at least tried to make her final moments peaceful. Sometimes I wish it was me that left this world in her place instead, I’d give anything to replace my life with hers…

Was feeling less than myself

Yesterday was a bad time, I felt like I needed to disappear from the world. It seemed like it was inevitable but for some odd reason I couldn’t just leave. I had a talk with a friend about what was going on and it helped for a bit, I don’t like the feeling of being less than myself, I was rather depressed the whole day. I tried keeping productive so that I’ll be alright. This was one of those days that I usually have and I probably should be used to it by now but each and every time it feels new, I’m feeling a little better today but it’s kinda hard to relax and move on. I kept productive today and it’s paying off, I also had people check in on me which was a good thing because being alone with this feeling isn’t exactly a good idea. My mood changes every so often so maybe tomorrow will be much brighter.

Worried about my sister’s well being

I woke up with a sudden feeling of anxiousness, that’s due to me having random thoughts about my sister’s health condition. She’s currently in a rehabilitation center from an accident that turned into her health decline. During her senior year she was hit by a bus and needed surgery, during that surgery something happened and it triggered a dormant disease called Polymyositis. That was 3 years ago and she’s still recovering from the situation. She’s been on oxygen and in a wheelchair due to her weak muscles so you can imagine how I feel let alone her. It’s not easy going through this time but I need to be strong for her and for myself because my mother left me a job to do and that’s to look after my siblings. I’m not the oldest but she felt I was the most responsible I would assume since everything falls on me. I talk to my sister all the time and I worry that something may change in her condition for the worst, she’s recovering well but I don’t wanna jynx it and say it’ll all work out even though that’s the positive attitude to have. I want the best possible outcome but I will settle for her just being out of there even if she’ll be disabled for a few years, I’ll do whatever it takes to make her feel comfortable and not feel regret.I’m just glad my mother isn’t here to see her like this, God rest her soul.

Something I was told growing up as a child

When I was still relatively young I was told that I wasn’t wanted as a child, I don’t know how true this was and I won’t pry and ask such a question for a really dark subject. I felt a sickness in the pit of my stomach when I heard those words and I got light-headed because as a kid you don’t want to hear those type of things. Thinking back on that situation I can still feel and hear those words and I do feel like I should know the truth but bringing it up now would do no good especially because my mother has passed. I’d want it to be something I could sit and have a discussion about with both parties involved, that way the finger couldn’t be pointed and blame isn’t thrown one way. Sometimes I feel angry at the thought of it, other days I feel like maybe it would’ve been better that way. I’d like to forget it all but I know that’s not possible, maybe I should just get to the truth but I’m worried my anxiety can’t handle it and with how my brain is right now perhaps I should keep my mouth shut until further notice… These are things I think about daily and it burns me up the more it goes on, sometimes I wanna disappear but running will do nothing so I’ll stay and keep fighting for the better.

My days as a teen weren’t really great

Good morning world, I wanted to talk more about my days as a teen. Growing up I said I only hung with a few amount of people and that was due to how unsure I was of myself around others with my condition. I can recount the days that when I was hanging out I felt massive anxiety that was so hard to control. One time when I was 13 I had to come up with numerous excuses at times as to why I didn’t or rather couldn’t come outside, the thought of letting my mental state get the best of me had me scared shitless and telling them about my condition was out of the question during that period of time. There were times when I was gonna speak up but the feeling of embarrassment was to great even with my medication helping me out so I did what I thought was best and lied my way out of any and all activities. One day I was out with them and the voices got seriously loud and I was on the verge of crying because of so many different scenarios playing in my head. I made up a lie about a headache and wanted to go home but we were out far from home so waiting was all I could do. I was holding so hard not to snap on anybody and that in itself was intense. I was sweating profusely and people were asking did I feel well and I told them yeah like an idiot… If I had a chance, maybe I’d fix the events that day because I might have a peace of mind, but maybe leaving it the way it is and looking forward to the future will make me better.

Fall weather makes me feel serene

Hello world, I’ve been keeping myself busy with things that distracts me from my brain activity. Today is a nice peaceful day and I feel relaxed enough that so far no worrying thoughts. I wanted to make a more serious post about how my life was back then but I didn’t wanna add on to any negativity that’ll be a catalyst for my mental health. I’m currently typing this outside on the balcony as the wind blows and the leaves fall down, the breeze feels wonderful and this is the kind of atmosphere I need at the moment. I haven’t had any anxiety these past 3 days so that’s a step in the right direction or at least I think so. Later tonight I’ll most likely be out for a nice walk depending on how cold it gets, if that’s the case I can probably share a few snapshots of how beautiful it looks around here with all the Halloween decorations and other things. I’ll keep you guys updated on my life as usual so continue to hang on for a good ride 😉

No problems so far

Good morning world, I’m here with a quick post or rather status update on my health and I’m happy to report there are no problems whatsoever. I know I said I wouldn’t be slacking on my posts but I have a legitimate reason and that’s because I’ve been busy this past week with things pertaining to my sister. I’ll share a story on her situation soon enough but bare with me on today’s post because I do have some more to do today and will most definitely be back on the posting grind! I do hope everyone is feeling great today and you enjoy my Blog because a dear friend and role model put this together for me to share what I’m feeling and going through and I can’t thank this person enough for this amazing opportunity. I was convinced to share my struggles and I’m so happy I followed through with it because now after doing this blog there’s a certain relief of my shoulders. I’ll be back to myself once I am done being so busy but I’ll still keep you all updated.

Stress levels were starting to overcome me

Good morning world I truly apologize for the extremely late post, I had a busy week and my stress levels were becoming a problem. I have a lot going on and my mental state was at a high. This won’t be a continuous thing of me going days without posting, I just needed to make sure I was ok and didn’t need to fall back permanently. There are days I don’t feel adequate with myself and this week was one of those times I felt like giving up completely. I can recount the moments I felt like I wasn’t good enough to press forward but I won’t do that. I do have a support system in place that helps keep me here so I do wanna thank them from the bottom of my heart for staying and not abandoning me for some petty or selfish reason. They are truly a wonderful bunch of individuals who check on me daily and makes sure they talk to me in a way I don’t feel like a lesser person. Tomorrow I will be back to ol’ regular self so be prepared for my posts to be back to the way they were previously!

I have returned!

Hello all, I have returned from a few days of peace and relaxation. I needed the time off so that I could clear my head of negative energy. I went to a haunted attraction this weekend called Pennhurst Asylum. It was so fun and all the stuff I seen had me wanting to go back. The place had Sword Swallowers, Fire Breathers and creepy nurses that mad it all look believable. It was a long line to get in but it was worth the wait. There was another nice family we did the attraction with which made it more comfortable for my anxiety, the sheer amount of authentic props and actors was so good you would think that some of them were actually trying to take people away. I think my favorite part of the adventure were the tunnels because they were dark and had them completely fogged up with skeletons and actors jumping from the shadows. I laughed at all the people screaming in fear from the actors saying frightening things to us as we walked or ran by. I’d like to go back and definitely do it again, all in all it was an amazing experience and was the first one I ever had so it’s something I’d continue to do for sure.

Playing the part to seem normal

Back in my teen years I was relatively quiet, I kept to myself during school save for a few friends. It was a rare occasion I would raise my hand and participate in anything or even give two shits for that matter. If I did participate it was only because of maybe a project or something that had to be presented majority of the time, I can recount the times I would be scared to stand up because I always felt like things would go sour. I remember my palms getting sweaty when being called on to present my projects, in my head the others were laughing but it was the Schizophrenia messing with me. On certain days I would try to be as what I thought would be “normal” as possible out of fear that I would be made fun of for my condition if anyone found out. It got a few questions in relation to if I was feeling alright but it was just my friends that I hung with on a daily basis at school. To feel like I needed to change myself was a tough decision but it seemed like a proper idea for the most part, I did start to feel like it was a waste of time and eventually needed to accept what was going on with me but I struggled and needed some guidance from similar folks.