I am using my weekend to unwind from the last few days I had. My sister’s health hasn’t been the best lately and she was doing so well. Her condition is starting to flare up again and it’s caused her to need special treatment again. She had a low blood count and her spleen was inflamed and ammonia was found so she was moved to another center to have her taken care of. She was given a Bone Marrow procedure and a Blood Transfusion to combat her illness. It was a lot to process at first but it is better to have them do whatever they can than worry so much about her being as sick as can be. I got all the info I needed to better understand what is going on and what they will do to treat her. I will admit it was hard going into her room and seeing tubes and machines plugged into her but I know it’s in her best interest. I spent the entire day with her after surgery and made sure she was comfortable. If things do not get better for her and I really don’t want to think this way but I will have to be prepared for the worst whether I like it or not.
I have literally one more month until my life is busy being a caretaker. These days I actually feel relieved about it rather then stressed and scared like I used to be. Maybe it’s from talking to friends and fellow writers about what I am going to be dealing with that has given me a sense of comfort. I used to think this would be the end of my social life as I was under the impression that I wouldn’t be able to handle my duties. For the most part I have been adamant about getting things rolling and I can finally breathe easy knowing that I’ll be ok. There will be extra help along the way so there is a brighter side to my situation. On another note I get asked about my book a ton and it feels good to know people actually care and or are interested in my writings. My goal is to spread the word more so that many others can read it and take what they read into the real world so that the knowledge of helping others or themselves with Schizophrenia can make a difference. I am aiming to write another book on what I have accomplished as a schizophrenic and I think it’ll be a good one. I want it to be better than my first writing because I want to grow as both a writer and author. I hope people will continue to ask me about my life living with schizophrenic because I enjoy giving them insight on what it is and why my brain functions differently. I am proud to say that I am different and there is nothing wrong with it.
I am officially a Published Author. I know this post is late since it has been an entire month but the excitement of my accomplishment is too much to hold down. I am extremely grateful for what I have done and all the people who have helped me along the way. You all have no idea what this means to me. I have quite a bit of people who have decided to purchase my book friends and family alike. It is always a joy to get a text, phone call or message on social media from people who bought my book and then tell me positive things about it. I have been having good days lately, mostly because I have been talking to friends about my health and I can always count on them to help me out when I am not feeling my best. I haven’t been having extreme thoughts to the point of self harm in about a week so that alone has my spirits in good standing. I have my moments among other stuff but it’s nothing I can’t handle. Today I talked to my sister and we had a good talk about our future living together so that I can handle her physical condition. She is very excited to finally be able to leave the rehabilitation center and I myself couldn’t be more happy. It is going to be very interesting to see how long I can hold on with all of the responsibilities I am going to have.
I couldn’t be more proud of myself. I can actually say that I am a publisher author and it’s a great feeling. I want to thank all of the people who gave me this opportunity and chance to do something good for the mental health community. If I am being one hundred percent honest it is a little surreal. I didn’t expect to ever become an author nor did I think I had what it took to write a book. I am more content with myself than I have been in my entire life. This a big accomplishment for me and there isn’t anything or anyone that can take this away from me. I went into Barnes & Noble and seeing my very own book on that shelf gave me a self sense of accomplishment for the most part. I get people asking about it all the time and I never get tired of explaining what it is I’ve written and why I decided to do it. I am currently working on getting a book signing done so that I can spread the word about my book more quickly. One thing I want to happen is more people read it to get a better understanding of what I go through everyday and still live my life as if I didn’t have a mental illness. I hope that if you decide to read a new book then check mine out which is titled “The Laid Back Schizophrenic” and you won’t be disappointed. I promise you will feel more relaxed about your own inner problems after you read.
So I read this book called “Nobody” by Sarah & Ari Fader and I was instantly intrigued by it. If you haven’t heard of it I sincerely suggest you get a copy and read it. It relates to me and many others because I too feel like I am a nobody and not important enough to matter. I read it 3 times because it was literally that well done. If you have ever felt like an outcast then this book is a definite read. The illustration, colors and wording are put together in a great way that it just ties everything together. I was imagining a time I felt like a complete stranger to the world when I read this book. Those days were some of my darkest and looking back I still feel better about surviving it. I really recommend this book to anyone who is struggling with mental health and those who love to read in general. You will absolutely not be disappointed in the time invested while reading. Go take a gander at this title and see for yourself, you’ll feel the same as I do.
I’m not having the best time right now, I feel hollow and emotionlessly at my limit and the confusing part is I don’t care to breathe anymore. I got this feeling in my stomach that I gave all I have and it wasn’t enough to be important at least. Maybe I’m better off non-existent. Sometimes I wish that I could forget why I still decide to be here and go away. At this point death is a better option than dealing with this. I know I shouldn’t be talking like this but if not another soul cares then I believe it’s ok if I don’t either. This isn’t going to go away so simple unless a miracle happens. Deep down I’m avoiding sleep because I don’t think I will wake up and I am leaning towards allowing that. It’s scary but I ask myself “Does it really matter?” Too bad this isn’t a dream then I’d feel somewhat better but it is what it is I guess. I only struggle with staying because I have a responsibility to take care of in regards to a family member but If something happens I may take that outing. Too many good things happen and are taken away from me without the slightest care as if I’m just something to be used as a back up and it’s enough to make a person lifeless on the inside. I sincerely hope something changes if even a small bit because at this point in time I could really care less about myself or another.
I am starting to think that I’m not entirely fixable. It’s becoming more and more apparent as the days go by. I try to remember that I am still a sane person but even then it gets to be a little too much for me to handle. I talked with some friends who can enlighten me on some things because they understand what I go through since they have the same problems at times. Now at this moment I have a huge headache and that is due to me over thinking a million different things in my head. If you could take a look at my rather unorthodox brain you’d see what I mean and why I say I am a mixed bag. I take things I to consideration before I act but I sometimes end up going overboard and it bothers me somehow that I even act this way. I believe this is one of the reasons it took me so long to type another post aside from my sister and her being sick. I don’t wanna make excuses but even I have yo recharge my batteries sometimes. Most recently I had thoughts of self harm and today it was harder on me with those same thoughts because it’s the day my mother passed 3 years ago. I hate this day do much and with my current state I can’t help but wish I was gone with her. I talked with my siblings and they aren’t in the best of moods. I probably should have told them about how I am dealing with it but deep down I kind of feel like I shouldn’t have anyone worried about it. I feel like that is really selfish.
I’ve been doing pretty well for myself as of late with my issues. I won’t say that it has been 100% accurate on my part but I made progress. I was reflecting on myself and it’s kinda paying off. Another bright note is that my sister will be getting discharged soon from the rehabilitation center. She’ll still be in a wheelchair but she’s a lot more lively and she is smiling like she used too. I’m glad that things are turning around for the better because it’s a lot of stress off of us. I was taking in this nice weather and just felt relaxed. I went for plenty of walks and had clear thoughts the most of the way. I was able to keep myself busy with the bad thoughts I usually have and for the first few times I felt happy. I want my sister to laugh at this situation one day and know that she didn’t give up. I’ve been talking to her recently about her plans after she gets out and from what I know she wants to finally do college. She’ll have to do some online classes for a bit until she’s fully recovered but overall she says she is perfectly fine with that. We have a meeting for her discharge from there in a few weeks so we’ll see how it goes. Hopefully it will be good news for everyone. Looking forward to seeing how life will be with me being her caretaker.
I’m finally posting again after a break. I was a little overwhelmed with all that I have going on so I decided to take a breath of fresh air and not blog for a bit. I did manage to get my book finished with it’s final chapters and I’m just waiting for the last bit of edits to come through. I do wanna apologize to anyone who’s been waiting for a post but I needed this time off so that I wouldn’t break down. I’m relaxed and ready to get back to my blogging. I took these days to remember that I’m still human and sometimes it’s ok to relax if need be. Now that I’ve gotten my mental state back on track for now I can finally get back to my blogging. I wanna have more to say on this post but nothing worth saying has really happened aside from resting and catching up on my other responsibilities. I will have to make sure I’m not going to overwhelm myself with duties again. I was scared for myself and this time it was a lesson learned. I don’t think I’ve ever taken this much time off from anything before but it felt like it’s been forever. I know it’s been a month but I need my psych together whenever I’m writing or blogging otherwise it affects how I operate on a daily basis. I hope this relaxed atmosphere continues.
I had a really relaxing day, I let myself just fall back and go with the flow. I figured it would be a good idea to just release all my tension and become at ease with myself. I was kind of surprised to see I didn’t have not one bit of anxiety today and it was such a good feeling. I don’t remember the last time I literally felt not one thing of anxiety, depression or even the voices. Maybe this was the break I’ve been so desperately trying to have, maybe things are going to finally start being a little more positive in my favor since I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for awhile now. I won’t get greedy and try to force more of these days but I will remember this moment until the next time I have one again. I felt like everything was new and nothing was going to sway my positive position. I’ll admit it was rather surprising to have these feelings the very next day I’ve been wanting to forget about everything. I’m going to try and finish my book and have this day as a reminder that even with all my faults I’m still able to function if even a little bit to finish my goal. I’ll be going out tomorrow morning so from there I’ll see what awaits me and I’ll be sure to face it head on. I still get scared at the next day each and every time but that’s all apart of me being human and not closing myself in from being human.