More anxiety today

Hello world, today I’m taking a break from my story to let you all know that I’m feeling a tad bit stressed out. I have a lot on my plate and I feel that it’s getting to me. I’m gonna try and keep myself busy and hopefully it calms down. I had a rough night trying to sleep, I tossed and turned most likely from over thinking about my responsibilities. I’ll go for a walk on this trail I know of and get a breath of fresh air. It’s not easy to keep my head on straight when I’m feeling this way so any distraction is a good thing. Hopefully I can have someone to talk to and help me feel better do I don’t sway off course. I know this was a short blog and probably something you all didn’t care to read, but it’s just one of those days where you feel empty. I’ll be back to myself soon enough.

Aftermath

I vomited everything I took to kill myself and when I failed at my suicide attempt something clicked in me to keep on living. Of course I didn’t feel well a little later but I played it off as me getting a fever or something. I was a little on edge about what transpired but it happened so there was no taking it back. I’ve never said felt so much guilt before in my life but I’ve learned to accept the matter. I regret not telling my mother what I did and it’ll most likely haunt me for the years to come. I wish I did have the chance to reveal everything but maybe it’s better she doesn’t know to avoid any emotional pain my truth may bring. Some days I feel a burden on my shoulders that I even gave in to the voices but I do know that it get’s to a point where self control becomes so difficult it hurts. That day was a past experience and sure there were more days I had the same thoughts but I’m keeping myself together now than I was back then and eventually it did get better. My life has had many turns as we do but I’m willing to bet I’ve had more bad than good in my early years.

Couldn’t hold it together much longer

During my days as a kid it became apparent that I was gonna have to get used to my Schizophrenia so I needed to seek more info on some things I could do to cope with it. I asked my therapist of some activities or distractions that could keep my mental state in check because the medication wasn’t doing enough at the time. I recall profusely sweating with hard breathing once from making another attempt to try going out without proper caution alone. That turned out to be a bust for obvious reasons and to put it bluntly, I had a panic attack out in public… A little progress was made though as I calmed myself even if it was only just this once. There was this one day I refused to go out at all because I was so afraid of this situation happening again, I pretended I was actually going to class but after 15-20 mins I came back to the house. The pressure was so intense because the voices were so much stronger than before and it took everything not to listen to them. Not a single soul knows this so this is my first time putting this out there that during that moment I contemplated suicide, so much that I took some liquid medicine and pills because I was struggling to keep a clear mind and stop myself from taking another life because the voices told me too. To my surprise the suicide failed, but was it because I was kept alive for a reason or was I unlucky in my attempt…?

Actions have consequences

When I decided to not take my medication on certain days It felt like everything would be fine because I didn’t have that numbness I felt when taking them. I’ll admit at least twice I didn’t take them just because I didn’t feel like it and was in denial about being better. During that time things were kinda bad but not overly serious, I began to overthink situations that could happen while not taking my pills and because of that my mind started to spiral. I remember having a panic attack at the situation and thus was unable to finish my classes for the day. I had my mother meet me at the center I was taking my classes at because I was scared and my anxiety was through the roof. I had teachers sit with me until she got there but I didn’t tell them what was really going on because as I said, I was fearful of letting out my secret. They did ask questions about why I was feeling this way but I just lied and said I’m not feeling well. When my mother arrived I told her what I did and although she was a little frustrated at first she understood where I was coming from. I look back on that day and think about what could’ve happened had I continued on but that’s just a small glimpse of something greater from that one single choice.

My biggest decision thus far

Hello world, when I last left off I told you that I made a decision that didn’t sit well with my mother at first. I decided that I needed to remove myself from School since I wasn’t sure that my psych can handle it and because I was worried about the safety of others. I know it seems like maybe it’s a little much but in my head it was nothing but dark thoughts. I went a few weeks outside of school to get my head together before going for my G.E.D, at the time I needed to be sure I can go and not break down or spill my utmost secrets to any of the other students. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on, not even my friends because I wasn’t comfortable in my actions to say the least but I figured that if I was to maintain a normal life and self control I’d need to eventually reveal everything. Taking my medication was difficult because I wasn’t sure it would help me at all, I thought it was a gimmick of sorts to numb me and suppress my emotions. There were a few times I secretly didn’t take them but maybe I got lucky since nothing terrible has happened while not taking them. All in all, to say there weren’t repercussions for those actions eventually would be a lie…

Down a path to living with my condition

It became tough to accept what I was going through at the time, so much to the point I didn’t tell anyone except my siblings and maybe a few family members. It was apparent I had an issue with letting out my feelings so I just kept it to myself, that and I was scared maybe I would get picked on or something. My therapy sessions didn’t get any better for awhile so you can imagine how I felt on the inside. One time I was getting asked questions about my thoughts and the pressure kicked in tremendously, I’ve never felt so inclined to harm another person before… It was tough to hold in all the voices in that period of time and there were days I felt like giving in because maybe it was easier that way. Some days I would imagine all the possibilities or rather outcomes of different reactions if I actually were brave enough to tell others. School was so so stressful because I would have anxiety from being around big crowds and all the noise, even though I had friends I still kept to myself some days to avoid an outburst or a conflict of sorts from having all these negative voices in my head telling me to do things. During my sophomore year I decided it was time to make a change in my life so I made a big decision that didn’t really stick well with my mother for a while but you’ll get the rundown of that in detail for my next post.

Dark thoughts or Inner demons???

Morning all, shall we jump back into this saga? When I left my confirmation of my condition things really took a turn, not for the worse but it felt like I getting some sort of uneasy feeling. I remember one day riding the bus and having thoughts about harming someone , I didn’t go through with it because I was strong enough to resist the urge but I think about the repercussions of said “activity” if I had done the deed. It’s been a few occasions I’ve felt this way but nothing recent. One day I was at therapy and sweating because it was so hard to sit there and admit I had moments of wanting to slit some one else’s throat and dismember the body, It sounds dark but like I said… I’m not biting my tongue. My anxiety was starting to get the best of me because being so young I thought that this would count as a confession of some sorts even though I knew better, still couldn’t help the situation and was inches to passing out. After the session ended I felt a sense of security that I was able to release this secret, to this day I still get anxious just speaking of it. This was just one day of what transpired during my younger years and you’ll be a little surprised on what’s to come.

First signs of my Schizophrenia

When I was growing up I usually kept to myself at times aside from maybe 6 friends, even then I seemed to feel like I was different from them in some sort of way. I began to hear voices at 12 but I didn’t say anything because I thought maybe it was normal seeing as how I was just a kid and was still developing as an individual. My thoughts weren’t anything bad just like someone was there with me and it only seemed to happen when I was alone or at least for the time being back then. I remember sitting and eating lunch one day and literally having a conversation in my head with myself about different things, it was comforting to say the least. There were days where it would be serious stuff like as if it were an argument and I’m battling some inner demons so I got the hint that maybe something should be done sooner or later, well fast forward to age 15 I finally decided that maybe I should check into some things so I asked my mother about it, she looked kinda confused at first but she knew exactly what it was hitting for so we got both a therapist and doctor and after some tests it was confirmed that it was indeed Schizophrenia. It was tough to take in because being an adolescent I was under the impression that it’s a problem that may soon hurt me or somebody else in the end… To be continued.

I’m so exhausted today

Hello all, last night was a rough night trying to sleep. I feel like all me energy is drained and no amount of coffee will help me. My mental state hasn’t been the best this past weekend and after tossing and turning all night I’m starting to feel the effects this morning… I think maybe today I’ll take it easy and stream a little to calm myself down before I lose myself. I have no clue why I feel this way nor do I intend to let it get the better of me, I’ll push on and because I have a job to do as far as other things go. I’d like to go for a walk even though it’s raining out and get a scent of the fresh air while the winds blows or maybe just pull up a chair and sit on the balcony, either way is fine honestly. Gloomy days like these are usually when my Schizophrenia kicks in more and I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or a possible sign but all I can do is see how it plays out and go from there. Starting tomorrow I will be sharing a personal struggle that has been an issue of mine for a couple years, I hope you readers enjoy the posts to come and stick around for the long haul. Until then, be safe!

First time as a Blogger, I’m not afraid…possibly.

Hello world, I am Lamont and this is my Blog. This first post is sort of an introduction to how things will work around these parts so tighten up those cheeks because I’m not gonna bite my tongue or spare any sudden details. I’ll be sharing my struggles of sorts about how I deal with my mental health known as Schizophrenia. We all have some sort of uniqueness about us so It’s best to have support and share what we feel and how we can live life with it right? We aren’t alone in this world so my advice to you is “Don’t be scared to ask for help” you can live peacefully without fear. I hope you readers look forward to my banter and possibly shitty blogging skills because you’re all in for a ride.